For the last three years of my single life, I dressed like Trinity for Halloween. Trinity from The Matrix, the edited version. I just wanted to be clear about that. I may have dated online, but I’m not completely amoral.
I looked exactly like her. Long black coat, tall leather boots, sunglasses. Slicked back black hair. I didn’t just look like Trinity; I was Trinity.
Trinity wasn’t my idea. A boyfriend bought me the costume because he wanted, in his words, to “show me off.” He was right. At parties, scores of men approached me and asked, “Are you the one?”
My boyfriend coached me. “Trinity doesn’t smile,” he said. So I clenched my jaw and said nothing. This proved to be wildly successful. I stood, silent, jaw clenched. Men gathered. This particular scenario (men flocking to me) had never happened before.
Long before Trinity, sometime in my teens, I remember praying that I would go mute. If I couldn’t speak, I thought, all my problems would be solved. When God didn’t answer my prayers, I figured that, like Paul – my namesake – I had a thorn, only mine is obvious.
When I met my best friend Beth, I said, “Gee, you don’t talk much.”
She said, “I do, but I can’t get a word in. You haven’t stopped talking long enough for me to say anything.”
That’s when I knew we would be best friends.
I loved being Trinity, but it also scared me. I didn’t want to be enjoyed for what I looked like; I wanted to be liked or disliked for who I was. The take home lesson? In order to find people who really like you, you have to be okay finding people who really don’t like you. You win some. You lose some.
Trinity has since been retired because 1) the costume is fraying and, 2) no one cares about Trinity anymore, she was sooo 1999.
Trinity could have been a turning point for me. I could have stopped talking and become the fantasy of millions of men. It’s a good thing I kept talking or I wouldn’t have all these blunders to write about for your entertainment.
I’m happy that I’m not Trinity – a fictional character who will never be able to grow or change. It’s exciting to have the ability to choose exactly how you want to be. We all have thorns in the flesh, but if we continue to make choices to bring us closer to our goals, we’ll get there eventually – hopefully in this life, but if not . . .
From The Matrix – altered to make my point:
Boy: Do not try and bend [yourself]. That's impossible. Instead . . . only try to realize the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Boy: There is no [self].
Neo: There is no [self]?
Boy: Then you'll see, that it is not [you] that bends, it is only [your choices].