I can cook. I just can’t read recipes. Why, I ask, are recipes based on the archaic concept of “read the entire recipe before you start”? Even if I read the entire recipe, I can’t remember the instructions two seconds later when I start throwing the ingredients together without sifting or blanching or beating one in particular.
There is one recipe that results in the most delicious chocolate chip cookies in the universe. And I invented it. It came to fruition when I kept forgetting to buy flour (for months on end) and thus, kept grinding food storage wheat because it was easier than putting on clothes and leaving the house.
It has never been written down until this moment. I know. I’m fabulous. And a request for all you cookbook writers, all you food bloggers, all you recipe club aficionados – please, from now on, use the Polly Recipe Method. Thank you in advance.
Polly’s Sort-of-Healthy, but Really Yummy Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies
(Written in the ultra functional Polly Recipe Method)
Microwave 2 sticks of salted butter until they're soft – not melted. Don’t even think about margarine.
In a mixing bowl with a mixer, put this stuff in:
The 2 sticks butter you just melted
1/2 Cup of Baking Splenda
1 Cup of High Quality Brown Sugar
Cream together for 3 minutes on high
2 Eggs - Add to Mixture, can be on medium or low or high. Doesn't matter.
Grind enough wheat to make 2 cups – grind it as fine as you can get it. If you don’t have a wheat grinder, come on over!
Preheat the oven to 350
Get out another bowl:(. We’ll call it Bowl 2.
Mix the following stuff together in Bowl 2.
2 Cups of that just ground Wheat Flour
a tiny bit more than 1/2 t salt
1 t baking powder
1/2 t baking soda
Dump Bowl 2 into the other mixing bowl. Mix together completely.
Then Add straight into the mixing bowl:
a tiny bit more than 1 t High Quality Vanilla
2 Cups Old Fashioned Oats (not quick oats)
As many chocolate chips as you can handle, then add another cup. More. Seriously.
And the Secret Most Amazing Part!!
Chop ¾ cup of almonds and ¾ cup of walnuts into a fine dusty powder. More. Even finer. Okay. Put those nuts into the mixing bowl and mix like it's 1999.
Taste the dough and make sure it tastes good. I really hope this works because if it doesn't, I'll feel really stupid. Just remember, I'm a writer, not an amateur gourmet cook. Or an amateur regular cook for that matter.
Bake at 350 for 10 minutes. Don't overbake - ka ka. Maybe set the timer for 9 minutes and check. It may take a few tries to figure out the best time for your oven, but underdone is better.
Please let me know if 1) the Polly Recipe Method would work better for you too, and 2) if these cookies turn out terrible. If they're a hit, I’ll run for office. I’ll run on the platform of going metric and The Polly Recipe Method, among other things. 2016, here I come!