Coming to Grips with The Pedophile

Please, don’t get me wrong. Child abuse is not funny. Child sex abuse is not funny. Apparently, it is also not funny to go to Trader Joe’s in a diaper. I’ll tell you what’s funny: Congress worrying about baseball players on steroids. Now that’s funny.

After a particularly long doctor appointment, I stopped by Trader Joes on the way home. What is it with Sippy cups? The thing has never leaked in church leaving me with the perfect excuse to leave early – but as I pulled up to the organic Mecca that is Trader Joe’s, my son was sitting in five inches of standing water. Resolute, I pulled my son out of his soggy car seat, removed his soaked onesie and shorts, changed his diaper, and in we went.

Note to new parents: taking a baby into a Trader Joe’s sporting only a diaper is tantamount to "crossing the streams" in Ghostbusters. I have never witnessed so much hate. And then . . . while staring back at the people eyeing me as if I wore a SS uniform and thinking, “Really, are you really that upset about this?”, I turned back to find my son chomping on an apple. What sort of mother would let their child steal an apple while only wearing a diaper? Try to imagine a mother who would allow all life as you know it stop instantaneously and explode every molecule in your body at the speed of light. That type of mother.

So, with my head hung low, I pushed my cart to the checkout isle. Hoping the checkout man wouldn’t say, “If it were a single degree cooler, I’d call Child Protective Services.” To which I had already prepared a sarcastic response, “Oh, yeah, he’s gonna get frostbite at 77 degrees. I’d better get this kid a warm blanket.”

But, no the check out man greeted us with a big smile. “Thanks for not smirking at me,” I said. “People aren’t taking to kindly to my ill dressed baby.”

He said, “You know, it’s not a sexual thing. Babies should be allowed the liberty of being naked to express themselves. It’s not like people have to be sexual about it.”

Now I was the one giving the crusties (this is Utah vernacular for a “harsh looks”. I’m surprised you didn’t know that).

Ahem . . . Congress, this is the sort of thing you should be having eight hour hearings about. Instead of calling my senator right then, I wrapped my poor little guy in a paper bag and got him home. This world is a scary place. I tell you what. From now on, mark my words, we are never going anywhere without an extra paper bag.