Coming to Grips with Online Dating Part I

I met my husband online. I am embarrassed about this? Hum . . . at the classic to-approve-or-not-to-approve lunch, my grandma-in-law-to-be beamed as I chattered away. She said in rhetorical fashion, “Jake, where did you find this delightful girl!”

“On the internet!” I said.

She said, “Let’s keep that to ourselves.” Cough. Cough.

Married or single, you’ve talked a lot about dating in your lifetime. These posts apply to you. You will end up talking about online dating with someone. And now, thanks to me, you’ll have something interesting to contribute for a change.

A lot of people ask me, "How can I find my husband," and I tell them, "Online dating!!"  If anyone asks you, "How can I find my husband," you can quote me.  Repeat after me, "Online dating!!"

The online profile is the perfect vehicle for snap judgments. If you’re looking for a date, use the pictures as the first line of defense. For example, NEVER write a guy who has posted a picture without his shirt on. Red flag. Similarly, never write a guy who has a picture posing next to his car. Do I even need to explain this?

The photo is so telling. For example, if a person posts the extend-the-camera-out-and-snap-a-photo-of-your-face type (aka selfie, I wrote this before selfie was even a word), ask yourself – where are this person’s friends? Why can he not find one single other person to take a photo? Red flag.

If you use Facebook or any site where you acquire friends like baseball cards, take a look at his collection. Are his “friends” (and I use the term loosely) a bunch of scanky women? Does he have 673 women poised unnaturally with trendy half-faced close ups of their eyelashes and only four male friends who look good and ready for seven hours of D&D? RED FLAG. Or should I say, red flagssss.

You can spend hours looking at profiles – don’t do it. Use the above quick sort method, and then read their profile. Don’t worry about being shallow. You are not shallow; you are goal oriented.

In the next post, we’ll come to grips with the possibility that the man you are writing is not a man at all, but a 476lb gorilla trained by the CIA to extract all those top secret things you know.

So, men, just to make sure your next girlfriend is not dating you for your security clearance, I suggest not mentioning that you’re an FBI agent on your profile. Just a good rule of thumb. FBI agents aren’t too popular with the ladies – especially when they really sell office furniture . . . Read Coming to Grips with Online Dating Part II