Coming to Grips with My Unrequited Girl Crush

I met Emily at church.  Next thing I knew, I was making her cookies and calling her at late hours, coming on way too strong, yet thinking, “I hope I didn’t come on too strong.”   She’s fashionable, tactful, nine years younger, and out of my league.  She’s cosmopolitan. I’m neapolitan. 

On Saturday, I obtained news that I first told my husband in excited yelps (he’s my true love), and then to my embarrassment, thought, “I should call Emily!” You will be proud to know that I refrained – another plan to contact her emerged: I’ll wear my “all the rage” leather jacket and tell her at church! 

But I smelled like ham.  I brought cubes of cold ham hock for my son. Seeing him eat it two handfuls at a time didn’t have the effect I’d hoped for.  He smeared it on her.  Sigh.

I admire Emily for many reasons, but one is that she is both more funny and more kind than I am.  More . . . what’s the opposite of demanding?  More non-demanding.  She writes a hilarious blog, which truth be told, inspires me.  My muse she is.  Before her, my blog was a hollow shell of macaroni. Now, as you can see, it is cheese stuffed.  Admire the graphic she created for the title above.  Talented, huh.

I’ve realized I cannot just become the person I esteem through stalking.  I must actually try to emulate their qualities through my actions.  For example, yesterday, I sent her (and I am not joking) five emails (I know, it’s awkward, but I can’t lie to you).  She sent me one.  Thus, today I only sent her three emails.  See, I can read social cues.

To Emily, I’m sorry that you’re so charismatic and witty that I want you to be my minute-to-minute life coach.  Your amazingness does you a disservice.  There isn’t anything you can do about it, so don’t get down.  Don’t worry, I’ll call later to cheer you up.