Coming to Grips with Potty Training

This is what happens when you mix too much Dora: The Explorer with Potty Training.  It's not pretty. [Cue Music.]

Hola! Soy, Polly.  (And I’m Jake!)  Do you know how to go in the potty?  [Long pause.]

Great!  Jr. knows when needs to go potty.  (Yeah, yeah!  He sits on the potty and says, “PSSS.”)

But he won’t actually go in the potty.  He goes on cabinets.

Often he sits on the potty and sprays himself in the face with a spray bottle.  He won’t even let me dry him off.  (Wiper, no wiping!  Wiper, no wiping!)  He sits and sprays for up to 45 minutes and seems surprised every single time.  Then he stands up and pees elsewhere. 

One night, Jr. signaled that he needed to go.  I put him on the potty in front of Dora and told him he could not get off until he peed in the potty.  Every ten minutes, he looked down and said, “Psss.” But he held it through five episodes.  After two hours, I gave up.  Then, he peed on the carpet.

I need your help to get Jr. to pee in the potty, so I don’t cut my brains out with plastic safety scissors!  Will you help us? [Long pause.]

You will?

[Cue music.] Where will he go? In the potty! Where will he go? In the potty!  Come on.  Let’s get to it.  I know where he can do it! 

[Jr. will not go in the potty.] Jake, we’re going to have to try something else.

You have to say, “Pot.” [Long pause.]

Louder!

[Jr. will still not go in the potty.]  Jake, why isn’t anything working? 

(I don’t know, Polly.  I’m just an animated monkey.)

We’ve tried everything.  Backpack can’t even help.  Let’s drive over frustration mountain, through the tunnel of exasperation, and check ourselves into the mental hospital!  (Yeah!)