When I was young (and ever since), I pretended to be interviewed by Oprah.
In fact, that’s sort of why I started posting my writing here, on this blog.
It will not end well.
Oprah: So, Polly what motivates you to write?
Polly: I was motivated by the prospect of being interviewed by you, Oprah.
Oprah: Really? And what did you hope to accomplish?
Polly: To be interviewed by you. That’s all. [Blank stare.] Oh, and since I’m here, would you mind measuring me properly for supportive undergarments?
I haven’t watched Oprah since June 25, 2010, when we moved into our small apartment. We sold our TV because I believe passionately in feng shui and that TV had bad energy. Mostly in the form of The Millionaire Matchmaker. And the fact that finding a place for it was like trying to fit a queen sized bed into a dishwasher.
I feel a little guilty about neglecting Oprah during her final season. Particularly because, had I been there for her, she would have given me a car and a pair of Classic Sparkles UGG Australia Boots.
I hear that Oprah is creating an entire network, so there’s a silver lining to all this. With 24 hours of programming to fill, she’s probably getting desperate. What would you think about The Coming to Grips Show? It would consist of me doing pretend interviews and quoting movies. Hopefully, I can schedule Peter Walsh to make an appearance. Surely, he could find a way to get a TV into our apartment.