After sending a family-wide email describing a diet that literally lost him five pounds, Grandpa asked my husband (a patent attorney) to “please use all of your legal skills to secure a copyright on the following diet plan that I have discovered.”
This plan consisted of the following things:
1. “Breakfast of steel cut oats and fruit as recommended by Polly Scott.”
2. “Glazed donut covered with chocolate.”
3. “Later my wife went out and could not protest my indulgence thereof, so I had a small saucer with Fritos covered with [melted] cheese . . . and a Dr. Pepper.”
4. “A delicious salad with tomatoes, green stuff, avocadoes, whole wheat crackers.”
5. “To satisfy my innate and healthy appetite, a large brownie with vanilla ice cream.”
My husband hit reply all:
"Great diet plan . . . unfortunately you can't get a patent because Polly already invented it. She’s even named it. You have just experienced what Polly calls Satiation Therapy, or the Eat Whatever You Want diet.
"Since I’m married to Polly, I have a conflict of interest. So, sorry, I can't represent you, Grandpa.
"In fact, on Polly's worst/best day of Satiation Therapy, she was 8 ½ months pregnant with Ford. We went to Katz Deli in NY. She and I shared an open face reuben the size of a regulation football. Then we (she) waddled up Broadway to Beard Papa's Cream Puffs. We inhaled as many cream puffs as we could.
"Disoriented from pastrami and puffs, we ended up on the wrong Subway platform. After I rolled Polly out and back down into the Subway, our passes wouldn’t work – apparently you can’t use a Subway pass more than once within ten minutes.
"I said, “Every man for himself!!” and jumped the turnstile.
"I looked back at my beautiful wife. She stood blinking, eyes wide. Then my sweetheart got down on her hands and knees, yes, in the New York Subway, and crawled through. Her belly scraping the ground. It was a proud moment.
"That night Polly suffered heartburn indistinguishable from the jaws of hell. She woke me up and said, “I’m going to die. Just know that I love you, and I’ll see you on the other side.” But miraculously, she survived.
"Back to the diet: Polly will never eat a reuben or a cream puff again.
"So, Grandpa, next time, eat the donuts, fritos and Dr. Pepper in the same sitting. With a little more effort, you too will realize the benefits of Satiation Therapy.
"Disclaimer: This communication shall not or nor shall ever be construed as legal advice. In fact, I would not take this advice. Furthermore, Polly generally does not support taking my advice. Therefore, to take this advice or any other advice I render may constitute a judgment error on your part."