Coming to Grips with Feng Shui

My chi has never been right.  My mom birthed me naturally, no drugs – but something happened that fateful day to ruin my chi. Perhaps the fluorescent hospital lights?  Had crystals not been invented in 1977?

When something is wrong with your chi, you won’t know.

Deep down inside, in your subconscious, you might.

But you can’t even realize how terrible your situation is unless someone points it out to you.

Thank goodness, I stumbled upon a book about Feng Shui in the library display window. “Fung what?” said Jake, my husband.

“Feng schway,” I said. “Our energy is stuck.”

“Stuck to what?” said Jake.

“And I might be really sick.”

“Really?” said Jake.

“Because the corner of that desk points straight at my ankle when I sleep,“ I said.

“I’m surprised I don’t have ankle cancer.”

“Well, not yet,” said Jake.

I set about curing all the troubles I never knew I had with classical feng shui cures – like covering furniture corners with toilet paper.

“Now can you please bring the ladder downstairs?

And some red electrical tape,” I said.

He gave me a blank look.

“I didn’t even know they made red electrical tape,” said Jake.

“How else would people put red tape around their plumbing to keep money from going down the drain? It’s like $12.99 from the hardware store,” I said.

And more troubling than the fact that we have a toilet without a mirrored seat in our Wealth area, we have a space jutting out of our Helpful People area. What if we get extra “helpful” people, jutting into our lives? What’s the cure for that?

“Garlic breath?” said Jake.

Jake agreed to move our 500-gallon emergency water tank to the Career area of our home – a section symbolized by water.  It didn’t hurt that our career area is a dark, empty, cement alcove under our front porch.  Who says feng shui can’t be win-win?  

And the very next week, my boss assigned me an exciting new project.  I’m now the conference director for our campaign to eliminate public health concerns for children.  Like pointy furniture corners – that really needs to be addressed.  I wouldn’t want to risk the public health of our children with pointy furniture corners.

Thankfully, my sons sleep in the Wisdom area of our home, so we don’t have to worry about them anymore.

After a lifetime of unknowingly creating non-existent problems with the wrong paint color, I’ve now reconciled my chi with the universe.  Not that I feel any different than I did before.  But it sure was a great way to avoid my real problems.